Craving
by Imprisoned Wings
Summary: She pulled her arms closer to her body, hugging herself. She didn't look at him as she backed off. For a second, it felt like she was hovering before she started falling. She saw him lunge towards her and reach out for her arm or something on her person to grab onto. (Formerly titled 'I Only Want What I Can't Have')
1. Chapter 1

" _Yes, oh. You really think I'm going to fall in love with someone else?" Julian demanded. "You think I get to do that? I'm not you, I don't get to fall in love every week with someone different. I wish it wasn't you, Emma, but it is, it'll always be you, so don't tell me my life isn't wrecked when you don't know the first thing about it!"_

 _Her heart cracked. She twisted away, away from the look in his eyes, away from his voice, away from the shattering of all her carefully made plans. She clawed the door open—she heard Julian call her name, but she had already plunged out of the cottage and into the storm._

Lord of Shadows, Cassandra Clare

 **XxXxXx**

 _" And nakedness befell my way_

 _Only seen in light of day"_

 **XoXoXo  
**

Something was broken inside her. Normally she would stand and fight. Normally she wouldn't let anything hurt her or her family. She wasn't sure what had changed in the last hour. Maybe it was her fight with Julian. Maybe it was that she hated herself more than she realised. Maybe it was that, for the first time in her life, she wanted to be anyone _but_ Emma Cordelia Carstairs.

She felt her heart crack and shatter. She wasn't sure if she deserves to have it whole again. She felt whatever fire burned in her, whatever made her want to continue living, die out. She realised that, even if she wanted to fight, she couldn't. It felt like her whole body was frozen. There was no anger burning through her. There was no hate for the world. There wasn't… There was only hate for herself. How could she hate anyone more than herself.

She found it hard to focus. Shouldn't she be crying or something? This numbing nothingness should frighten her. The wetness of the ground pulled her back from her thoughts, but just barely. She swallowed and didn't tried to move from where she'd knelt on the cliff's edge.

She stared blankly over the edge. It wasn't that far. If she jumped, she'd survive. But she didn't want to survive. She wanted to be done. Her family… it wasn't really her family, was it? The kids, Julian's - his name sent a jolt of pain through her - siblings… they probably just put up with her out of pity.

Doubt weaved truth and lies together until it was difficult for her to tell what was real and what wasn't. If she fell off… just right… maybe she could hit her head on the way down and drown.

The sound of her name, muffled and distant as it was, drew her back to her body and her stomach clenched as her pressed her hands to her ears, as if that would block out whoever was calling to her.

She didn't know how long she stayed like that, but eventually her arms and wrists hurt from her position. They dropped onto the ground and she, finally, decided to open her eyes.

She recoiled when she saw Jules, his expression concerned. Despite herself, his presence made her dark thoughts retreat and she could finally breath again. The relief she felt in that moment. At least, it was relief until he started talking.

" _Who could love you?"_ His words pierced her heart. He wasn't here to help her fight whatever it was she was feeling, he was here to make sure she self destructed. His expression and his words didn't match, but that went unnoticed by Emma.

Whatever feeling that had started to return to her was sapped from her in his words.

" _I regret ever becoming your_ Parabatai, _your friend."_

She forced herself not to respond, in body language. Words had escaped her after she'd ran from the cottage. Concern flashed in his eyes from whatever he saw.

"Emma? What are you hearing?" His voice was gentle, like he didn't want her to do anything rash. His words confused her. What did he mean, _what was she hearing?_ He was the one talking. _He_ should know what he was saying.

Something wasn't making sense, but through her jumbled thoughts she couldn't figure out what it was. It was a maze with no exit or entrance or light. She was stumbling through the dark and whenever she felt like she might be getting close, something pulled her back in.

She started to open her mouth and was instantly cut off. " _Nobody truly cares about what your hearing. Whether or not it's different than what's being said."_

Why was he being so cruel? Couldn't he see she was minutes, maybe seconds, from killing herself? Maybe… maybe he wasn't the friend she'd thought he was. _Had he ever truly been my friend?_

Something flashed across his face but she couldn't see what it was. There was an emotion in his eyes but… he was a professional liar. What was true and what wasn't? She could never tell, not with him, not anymore.

" _Nobody cares about you. I don't. My family doesn't. Clary, Jace, Magnus, Cristina… we all wouldn't care if you died."_

She felt like she was starting to hyperventilate. Her eyes stung.

" _Everybody leaves you. Willingly. Including your parents."_

The world blurred around her. Her hands clenched her head, her fingers digging in. She hoped they drew blood; maybe then she could make sense of all the utterly cruel words coming from _him._

Because _he was wrong_. Her parents didn't willingly leave her.

 _He was wrong_. They'd had to work the day they'd died.

 _He was wrong._

Her heart clenched.

 _He was right_. They'd left her at the institute for Sebastian. They hadn't wanted her. They'd never truly died; they just let the world believe it. _They_ let _her_ believe it.

Her hands fell limply to her sides. She couldn't… she couldn't… She didn't want to…

Her body felt detached from everything else and it stood and backed towards the edge. She thought she saw panic and terror in his eyes but… those didn't make any sense to her. _He_ was the one wanting her to kill herself. _He_ was the one pushing her towards the edge.

"Emma? D-"

" _Do it. Kill yourself. You are unwanted and unloved; nobody would miss you."_

She didn't notice the shift in his tone. He was right. Like always, _he was right_.

She pulled her arms closer to her body, hugging herself. She didn't look at him as she backed off. For a second, it felt like she was hovering before she started falling. She saw him lunge towards her and reach out for her arm or something on her person to grab onto.

She closed her eyes, not wanting to see him. Even if he did manage to, somehow, save her, he'd probably kill her himself. That's what he wanted, right? He wanted her _dead_. She wasn't sure if he cared who did it - him or her. She realised she really didn't care.

He grabbed her wrist, suspending her fall. She slammed painful into the side, a cry of shock and maybe a little pain escaping her. She wanted to fight against him. She wanted his grip to loosen so she would continue her fall. But she _couldn't_. She didn't have the strength, the will, to _fight_ in her own suicide.

Which did she have strength for more? To live, or to die? She really didn't know. And while she was hesitating, fighting a war within herself, he pulled her up.

She waited for him to start yelling, about how utterly reckless she was or about how she should've tried harder to kill herself.

But he didn't. He just wrapped his arms around her and held onto tightly. He was making a silent statement. He wouldn't be letting go of her for a while.

She might not be sure of a lot, but if there was one thing she did know was that she felt safer, saner, in Jule's arms.

Everything was going to get better… she hoped.

 **AN:**

 **Yo so I've been working on this off and on since Lord of Shadows came out. I've just not had time to finish this chapter.**

 **I'll be sure to try and write more, because I don't think it's done quite yet. Plus, we all have like another year before before Queen of Air and Darkness. :)**

 **#justareminder**

 **Also. I don't own TMI/TDA/TID or anything else related to the Shadow world.**


	2. Chapter 2

" _It's not your fault, love, you didn't know."_

 **XoXoXo**

It felt like days, weeks, until **Emma** finally regained a sense of surrounding. First, she realized she was in Julian's arms. Second, they were drenched from the rain. Third, her whole body hurt. And finally, what she'd tried — and failed — to do came rushing back.

She felt embarrassed. And when she tried to pull away, his grip on her tightened.

"Don't leave me, Emma." He whispered, voice thick with emotion. "Don't _ever_ leave me."

"I…" what could she say? She'd tried to kill herself. She didn't have the strength to push him away. He'd told her to kill herself and now he was saying something different.

She felt another surge of hatred for herself. She shoved him away. How could he hold her, talk to her, when she had tried to kill herself? How could he look at her the same? How? She scrambled to her feet before he could process what had happened. Though it was seconds, _at best_ , she still had a head start on him.

* * *

For a second, **Julian** was stunned. It felt like ages before he started running after her. This couldn't be his Emma. Oh, he was well aware that _it was,_ but at the same time _it wasn't_.

 _His_ Emma had always been strong, and fearless. She laughed in the face of danger and took whippings meant for _him. She_ had endured so much. She felt so intensely, so fiercely, that it took his breath away.

This Emma… it wore her skin. It used her body. But it wasn't her. He refused to believe that Emma, _Emma_ , would try to kill herself. That she'd even let the thought cross her mind.

It didn't take long for him to catch up to her. She'd stopped running and when he turned her so he could see her, he flinched at the utterly blank expression on her face, in her eyes.

There was some part of her screaming at him, screaming at him to help her. That she was trapped and lost and didn't have a way out or a way home.

A part of him, the part that was wholey dedicated to her, was screaming right back at her. He was here.

And when that part of him went quiet, he _knew_ that fighter in her had given up. He refused to let her quit.

He did something reckless. Something she'd later regret. But _later_ didn't matter. He _needed_ his Emma back.

And it was for purely selfish reasons that he kissed her. And when she didn't return the kiss a part of him felt ashamed. He started to pull back. Of course she wouldn't; she didn't have any romantic feelings towards -

She gasped, as if breathing for the first time. She wrapped her arms around him and to his surprise, returned the kiss.

A little emotion returned to her eyes. He felt the knot in his chest loosen as a part of _his_ Emma looked at him.

He could see the guilt in her eyes.

"Oh God," she whimpered as she pulled back. "What…"

 _What happened?_

"Nothing." He whispered. "Thank the Angel, _nothing happened to you_." He couldn't control the emotion in his voice. His words, somehow, seemed to intensify the guilt she was feeling.

"I tried… I tried to…" she swallowed, unable to finish her words.

 _I tried to kill myself._

"But you didn't. You're still alive." He pushed a strand of her hair out of her eyes. They were both soaked to the bone.

"Only because of you." Her tone was utterly broken. "Only because of you." She repeated.

 _I tried killing myself because of you._

 _I didn't succeed, because of you._

 _You wouldn't let me kill myself._

 _Thank you._

It was then that he realised he could, quite literally, _read her mind._ Whatever shield she had kept around her mind, whatever she'd done to keep her thoughts her own and nobody else's… whatever it was, it was almost completely gone.

Julian knew that she didn't care if he heard her thoughts. Not at this point. Dimly, he wondered if she could read _his_ as well. The thought terrified him. If she'd felt an inkling of fear when he'd lied to the counsel about Nightshade, even if the lie had turned out to be truth.

Before he could figure it out, he felt a shift in the weather and he _knew_ something ancient and deadly was behind it.

Five _beings_ landed before them, they were Fay, but they seemed… much _older_ than any Farie or Angel or Demon could ever hope to be. It made Julian tighten his hold on Emma. He found himself shielding her with his body.

She didn't put up much of a fight.

Riders of Mannan, that's who they claimed to be.

Children of a God.

And they were after the Black Volume, just like he and Emma and the rest of the Blackthorns were.

They threatened his family.

Before he could comprehend the words, Emma had already moved.

His battle instinct kicked in and it felt like he was suddenly in battle beside her. Like it should be, like it always would be.

They got separated, but he wasn't worried. Em could handle herself, he could handle himself. He trusted her as much as she trusted him. They would survive.

A cold feeling settled in the pit of his stomach and he glanced, just in time, to see Emma be impaled by the Rider she was fighting. At the same time, she had slain him.

A scream. A wail. He froze and sprinted towards her, catching her just before she hit the ground.

He heard an ideal threat from one of the siblings but he was to focused on her. On his best friend. On his _parabatai._

Emma gave him a bloody smile, her fist wrapped around the sword hilt that was buried in her gut. She coughed up blood.

"In another life, Julian Blackthorn." Her tone was bitter. Her eyes surprisingly clear for - no, he refused to think of such things.

Her breathing was watery and he furiously shook his head. The _Parabatai_ bond had tightened in a way that sickened him. It was getting ready to snap, and when it did…

"Promise me." her voice was barely audible.

He shook his head. Dammit. Dammit, dammit, _dammit._ Of all the times…

"Save your breath, Emma. You need your strengthen."

She gave him another bitter smile. "Take…" she coughed. "Take care of..." she trailed off, her breathing sounding more laboured than before, but Julian knew what she was going to say.

 _Take care of yourself._

 _Take care of the kids._

 _Take care of Cortona._

White-hot pain blazed behind his eyes.


	3. Chapter 3

" _The angels singing say we are alone with you; I am alone, and they are too with you"_

 **XoXoXo**

 **Julian** couldn't breath.

" _Emma?!_ " He heard himself screaming.

Her body was already cooling as he gathered her in his arms. "Open your eyes." He begged, burying his head in her neck. This… it couldn't be happening. Not now. Not after everything they'd been through. Not… not when they still had so much they needed, wanted, to do.

"You need to open your eyes, love." He whispered, clinging to the hope that she wasn't dead, that their bond was still in place.

"Please open your eyes. You _need_ to open them."

His voice sounded hoarse.

She couldn't be dead. He hadn't even been able to apologize for his words earlier. He'd known they would hurt her. That they'd hit deep, and true, and that there probably wouldn't've been a way back into her good graces.

Ever.

But she still would've been alive.

And that would have been fine with him. Yes, she'd never forgiven him… but having her alive and forever angry at him would have been better.

He pulled the sword out of her and her body gave a lurch. For a second he thought there'd been some miracle and she wasn't dead.

Then, reality set in yet again. He still refused to believe what was right before his eyes. But…

"Emma… _Emma_ , I'm so…" he couldn't finish. He didn't _want_ to finish.

Because if he did, then it would make all to real and he couldn't handle it _now_. He couldn't face the truth _now_ , how would he ever face it if he said 'sorry' one last time?

The rain, his tears, and her blood were all mingling together. It was like God himself were laughing at them; like this was some _twisted_ joke that he'd never understand.

Storms were Emma's favorite. How dare she try to kill herself, how _dare_ she be killed, in a storm. Something that was beautiful and deadly _just like her_.

" _Silly. You have nothing to be sorry for."_

He felt her hand on his cheek and stiffened. He forced himself to take deep breaths.

Julian felt the tug of memory and didn't have the strength or willpower to refuse

….

 _They were ten years old._

 _And they had been training when he'd accidently cut her._

 _It wasn't a deep cut and he truly didn't have anything to be sorry for, but he'd said the words nonetheless._

 _She lightly punched his shoulder, scoffing at his apology._

" _It was an accident. Besides, we're shadowh-"_

" _We aren't Shadowhunters yet," he interrupted her. They wouldn't get their first runes until later that night._

 _They should've been getting ready for the ceremony but Emma had decided training was a better use of their time and Julian hadn't refused her; he could never refuse his best friend._

" _We are, Jules. It's what we were born to be." She stuck her tongue out at him._

" _We don't have to be." He whispered. "We don't have to get our Voyance Rune."_

 _She gave him a frown. "You love your siblings to much."_

 _It was at that moment that Mark had strode through the doors to the training-room, giving them a frown._

 _The two preteens glanced at the older Shadowhunter before meeting each other's eyes._

 _They both grinned at him as they faced him,their previous conversation put on hold for another day._

….

Julian was pulled from the memory when a flash of blue forced his head up. It took a few seconds to focus on the Warlock who was taking in the scene.

It was then that he realised that he'd curled into himself and that… that Emma was nowhere to be found.

Her body was missing.

Horror and rage burned through him. How had he not noticed someone prying his _Parabati_ 's body away from him?

He was losing his mind. Or was it already lost?

Emma had been his world; maybe even more than his own siblings, the ones that he'd raised with no parental guidance. The ones that _he_ had become the parent to.

He tried focusing on the warlock in front of him, struggled to form more coherent thoughts.

Was it Malcolm?

As soon as the thought crossed his mind he dismissed it.

The former High Warlock of Los Angeles was dead.

Twice dead, some part of him recalled.

Finally, his eyes focused on the Warlock in front of him.

 _Magnus_. The current High Warlock of Brooklyn.

"Emma —"

 _Emma's dead._

The thought clanged through him, forcing him to flinch. His hoodie and shirt suddenly felt stifling. He forced his muscles to work and get them off, glancing at where the rune should've been.

It was still there, it would never leave. It just wasn't black and bold and the scar-like marking that it left behind…

He puked.

The burn sharpened his attention and when he glanced up he saw Mangus looking at him in an understanding way. He saw the pain, maybe not the same amount of pain Julian felt, in his eyes.

"I loved—" he choked on the word. The past tense word. "I loved her."

He still loved her. Loves her. It couldn't be something of the past if the feeling still made him feel what he did.

And if he could — and he would find a way — he'd bring her back.

He would bring Emma back.

 _If it were the last thing he did._


End file.
